After flailing at Danny Stack earlier in the week about original voice, I decided to concentrate my efforts on this “final” draft of Steampunk Assassins.
By far, my biggest self-criticism is that this reads like a court reporter’s transcript: flat, lifeless, tab A into slot B, thank you kindly.
Edward races along the dock front towards the Royal Navy and East India Company ships.
The seaman stumbles ahead, looking over his shoulder in terror. The gem in his hand flashes in the lamplight.
Some average use of word diversity but nothing special.
But, with spit and polish:
Edward races along the dock front, the Royal Navy’s sails fluttering like the flags of the finish line.
The seaman stumbles ahead, glancing back with wide eyes. A flash from his hand – gold-blue light, magpie bait.
Maybe now, however, I’m in danger of writing a Harlequin romance novel instead of an action-adventure screenplay?
So far, only four scenes have been rendered in this light, so the overall tone is not as yet established. We will have to see how the draft flows.